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If you are, like myself, a beautiful person, you understand that with great bone structure comes great responsibility.
Being attractive doesn’t just happen, it takes work. And by work, I mean that I have to dedicate 13 to 14 hours a day standing nude in front of a mirror examining myself for any slight imperfection.
I know what you’re all thinking, and before you ask, I’ll just settle your minds: No. To this day, I have yet to find one imperfection outside of the growth on my back that seems to have formed a face and will talk to me in the night, trying to make me commit evil deeds.
However, just because I am the epitome of physical fitness, does not mean I can slack from my duties.
I believe it was Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. who stated “Imperfection anywhere is a threat to perfection everywhere.”
I may have modified this quote slightly, but I’m sure I haven’t altered the context of what the young visionary was trying to say. So today, as I started my 3 – 7 a.m. mirror reconnaissance, I was startled to find that my mind was not focused on checking myself out, but rather on the fact of how happy I am that I’m not a twin.
Besides, obviously, the implication that there would be another person out there that looked just like me (and don’t argue about fraternal twins because everyone knows that they’re basically “fake twins”) which would steal from my own personal glory, one has to understand the dangers that a twin faces every day.
For instance, I’m sure you are unaware of these cited medical facts, but did you know that as a twin, you must live under the constant assumption that your other half will one day try to either kill or eat you?
Prove it, you say?
If you need any proof look at the tattered, mangled body of Mary Kate Olsen. Oh… she’s not dead? Could’ve fooled me.
Think of it like this: that movie from the nineties, “The One,” starring Jet Li was basically a survival guide for twins. Like in the movie, there is not one universe, but a multiverse. As such, EVERYBODY is a twin to someone in a different set of stars.
All of your “replicas” share the same energy that you draw from, so by killing one, you spread their unused energy to those that are still living.
This means that if Tia Mowry killed Tamara Mowry, maybe she could reignite her career with the awesome combined power that is “Sister, Sister.”
It is a sad, yet necessary process in life. Much like the suicidal flight of the lemming off the edge of a cliff, we cannot alter fate; rather we must sit back and watch as Darwin’s Survival of the Fittest Twin takes place before our own eyes.
Just remind yourself as you watch Joel and Benji Madden rip the skin from each other’s bones, that it is a necessary evil.
Reach columnist Flint Farley at Flint.Farley@usd.edu.
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